Paradigm Shift

by Therese Shechter

This article originally appeared in Skirt! on January 1, 2010 as part of their series “The F Word: Feminists Speak Out”

“I really do hold to a personal belief that sex is something special to be shared only with someone who is truly a soul mate…and, let’s just say that at this point in my life I still haven’t found that ‘special someone.’” TM, 41, from the blog The American Virgin.

I, too, was a late bloomer sex-wise. Growing up, I had bought into the whole magical/true love/special someone scenario which, for me, translated into losing my virginity to a handsome, med school-bound boyfriend. He failed to materialize, and by the time I was 23, I was tired of waiting.

So I said screw it, and had sex with a guy I had gone out with all of three times who made some smooth moves on me one night in his basement apartment. So what if it was awkward and we never saw each other again? I was no longer a virgin and I was thrilled. Much to my surprise, though, I felt totally unchanged by the experience. I didn’t even bleed—my hymen was as blasé as the rest of me. I had saved my “precious gift” for this?

I’ve since made up for lost time, but I remain fascinated by how people make their sexual debuts. Is there a right way to lose your virginity? A right reason? A right person? I’m making a documentary to explore these questions called How to Lose Your Virginity. I also write a blog about all things virgin, from more than made up the abstinence-only movement to virginity auctions to artificial hymens. Several months ago, my readers began sending in stories about their own experiences around virginity, which turned into a series of popular posts called “First Person.”

Natalie, 26, was one of the first to contribute, and I relate to her feelings: “Around my 20th birthday, I began to feel ashamed about my lack of sexual experience. The emotional baggage that went along with feeling unwanted and ‘different/defective’ was much more damaging than the physical act of never having had sex.”

I cringe when I think about all the times I nodded and smiled knowingly when college friends talked about sex. At the age of 23, I believed I was the oldest living virgin and everyone around me was having fabulous sex with their devoted boyfriends. In retrospect, I’m sure many were as full of shit as I was.

Rosie, 21, echoes the feelings of several women I know: “An older man was willing to give me some attention and make me feel special. It was hard to resist even though I knew the situation was really wrong. I knew I was being taken advantage of, but it was nice to feel wanted.”

I think “First Person” is popular partly because of the wide variety of experiences and opinions about virginity. We’re fed a lot of crap about what our first times should be like, whether it’s the promise of perfect wedding night sex after a life of abstinence, losing it on prom night with your football player boyfriend, or going wild on spring break while the cameras roll. Reality is something else entirely, so it’s no wonder many of us feel abnormal and then are too embarrassed to talk about it.

I’m so grateful for this post from Lilith, 21: “My first sexual experience was date rape, and after recovering from the incident I found I continued to identify as a virgin, partly because I didn’t feel attached to my body at the time. At times I wish my first time was all magical like I was led to believe, but I don’t regret it. It was what it was, I can’t change it, and it has led me to where I am now, having sex with someone I love.”

Dana, 26, was inspired to make her own sexual debut after reading “First Person.” She then shared her own story with the blog. I wish I could have read her post back when I was contemplating my first time: “Having sex was just another step along the gradual slope of sexual experience. I feel freer now to pursue sex so I want to go out there, find people I like, and have sex with them and enjoy myself. That’s my mission now.”

Therese Shechter is a filmmaker, writer and activist based in Brooklyn. She tweets at @TrixieFilms, and her blog “The American Virgin” is at http://theamericanvirgin.blogspot.com. More info on her work is at http://www.trixiefilms.com.

Reproduced with permission from Skirt!

This series of posts from the community is in preparation for Paradigm Shift’s next event, “The Purity Myth: How America’s Obsession with Virginity is Hurting Young Women”  A Discussion with JESSICA VALENTI, Author & Feministing.com Founder/Editor on TUES, FEB. 23rd, 7pm, NYC. We want to hear your stories. View call for submissions- deadline 2/21- Click here!

By Ingrid, Originally posted Whereisyourline.org

I lost my virginity junior year of High School, and compared to my friend’s first times, I was pretty late. When I would ask them about their first times, they would smile and proceed to tell me all the juicy details. I’ve always been a curious girl; I used to lie in bed when I was younger and touch myself, becoming acquainted with my pussy. Around fifth grade I discovered romance novels, via Danielle Steel, and reread steamy sex scenes and let them play out in my head. So naturally, I was very anxious to have sex. I ‘lost’ it to a guy five years older than my sixteen year-old self, but it was consensual and I was more than ready to get it over with. ‘Lost’ is a funny word to use since I didn’t lose it. I know where it went.

Fast-forward two years and a couple of months, and I’m lying on my bed in my dorm that I share with my roommate Vanessa (whose name I changed to protect her identity). Vanessa and I instantly became friends; we both have boyfriends, we’re both Latina, and we both love to eat. I don’t know if it was my array of women’s studies books or my reproductive system bandana hanging from my wall, but she felt comfortable talking to me about sex. Our conversation evolved from which positions we like best to what our first times were like. But instead of laughing it up, I started getting really pissed throughout her first time story. Vanessa couldn’t tell if her first time was consensual or if it was rape. She justified it, since at the time, he was her boyfriend.

Vanessa’s story goes like this: She met Jose (not his name) when she was seventeen through friends, and the first time they hung out, it was her first time getting really drunk. They started making out, which led to dry-humping, which led to them moving into a bedroom. He started to finger her and she told him to stop so he stopped, and told her he wanted to respect her since he grew up with women and his dad was always in jail. After that, they started going out, and after a month he told her he loved her. A month after that, she snuck out of her house (which was becoming routine) and went to Jose’s. They were drinking, and Vanessa felt drunk off a few beers. He drank the same amount as she did, said he was drunk too. They started making out on a couch in his living room. Vanessa realized later that he was faking drunk, since it normally took him about six times the amount he drank that night. He turned the couch into a bed and without her knowing, he got up to get a condom. He got naked, got on top of her and asked, “Are you sure?” All she could do was nod her head. She told me that she felt pressured into having sex, and once they started doing it, she couldn’t wait for him to get off cause it hurt so much. Afterward, he left her there crying so he could go to sleep in his room.

Months later, she started questioning him about that night, he would angrily ask her “what are you implying?” so she dropped it. When she asked her friends about it, they told her to not worry, because it’s “just sex”. But it’s not just sex. Sex doesn’t make you replay every action in your head, finding all the ways to blame yourself.  Even if he was your boyfriend and you wanted to please him; if he really loved you then he would respect you.

This semester, I moved to a different dorm and one of my roommates told me a similar story about her first time. He wasn’t her boyfriend, but he was a guy at school that she had a crush on.  She also couldn’t tell if it was rape, or if being forced the  first time was normal. Why were my friends scared to admit that it was rape, because their friends were telling them not to worry about it?

If we call these experiences what they are – rape, would that even be helpful? I think that it would be. Let’s not forget the definition of the word. By being silent, you are being violent towards yourself. You are denying yourself the right to speak up and be heard. It’s up to you if want to Phoolan-Devi-it or whatnot, but by letting those assholes off the hook, we all let them know that they can get away with anything. And we, as listeners, need to not minimize these stories when we hear them.

Vanessa is in a great relationship right now, with a man who loves and respects her. Everyone deserves both, or at least respect, especially for their first time.

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