LWC, Togather and 92YTribeca host conversation on modern advocacy, entitled “Hearts on Fire: Social Activism Today:”

Recently, the Supreme Court has been taking on cases that could rock civil rights and turn back the clock. Soon, we will hear the ruling on Fisher v University of Texas. This case challenges the affirmative action programs of UT. Fisher, a white woman was not accepted into the university and claims that part of the reason she didn’t make the cut was because the schools policies favor less qualified students based on the color of their skin.

UT’s affirmative action policy includes admitting all Texas students in the top 10% of their graduating class no matter what school they attended and beyond this they allow race/ethnicity to be a plus in admission decisions. Therefore, race is only one factor of many that is considered in the application process.

Affirmative action often strikes up heated conversations and controversy every time it is mentioned. Many revert to calling it “reverse discrimination,” however this is sometimes because it is misunderstood. Affirmative action is NOT a quota system, but it is a way to give employers and universities motive to put in a “good faith effort” to foster a diverse workplace/campus.

I’m personally saddened that this case was brought by a woman. Despite the high number of women in higher education, women still earn less than men and face many challenges in the workforce. Affirmative action programs help increase professional development that leads to more women being promoted, hired and respected in their careers.

The main conversation that has come out of this court case is whether programs that target socioeconomic status would be more effective in diversifying campuses with higher quality students. Beyond the irony that there is a level of racism embedded in this suggestion, it also assumes we live in a culture that is actually color blind. However, a lot of evidence proves otherwise.

While researching this blog, I came across a debate published in the New York Times about this case. Patricia J. Williams’ piece speaks to the fact that although many think economics will solve racism,  it is not that simple.

“The latest attestation to its miraculous salutary power is the assertion that African-Americans who would but barricade themselves within a wall of middle-classness will be structurally exempted from racial resentments. According to this logic, when comfortably situated black people move into all-white areas, the neighbors will be delighted… the neighborhood watch will not follow them about and demand to know their business.”

Now, it is the unfortunate truth that minorities (in particular women of color) tend to face more economic hardship in this country due to historical and social reasons. However, programs that focus only on SES don’t go far enough in promoting racial diversity and ultimately equality.

It is my hope that the Supreme Court rules in favor of the university.  We are not ready to strike down affirmative action programs in this country. I wish we were, but we still have a lot of history to overcome and cultural norms to challenge before these programs will be truly unnecessary.

On April 21^st, along with 250 of my closest pro-choice buds, I headed over to Bowlmor Lanes to participate in a bowl-a-thon in support of the New York Abortion Access Fund (NYAAF). This event was part of the 4^th annual nationwide fundraiser organized by the National Network of Abortion Funds and the event I attended raised $85,000. But before I regale you with stories of my bowling failures (of which there are many) let me give you some background on NYAAF and the basics of abortion funding.

NYAAF is an all-volunteer run organization that works directly with clinics in the New York area. When a clinic has a patient who is in need of financial or transportation assistance, they turn to NYAAF to help cover part of the cost. NYAAF, funded by individual donations, supports anyone who is unable to fully pay for an abortion and lives in (or is traveling to) New York State. I make this distinction because NYAAF has served women in need who have traveled from a bunch of neighboring states (including my lovely home state of New Jersey). Pennsylvania, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Virginia, and Maryland are all on that list and NYAAF has granted access to safe, clean abortion facilities to women who have traveled from Texas, Utah, and Bermuda.

Abortion funds are a great example of grassroots organizing. Abortion funds get money directly to women in need of reproductive care and, in many cases, these individually raised funds are a woman’s only support as they struggle to find the money to pay for abortion procedures. This is what I love about abortions funds (overlooking of course, that they became a necessity due to legislation like the Hyde Amendment and our country’s increasingly restrictive bans on abortion). Most abortion funds across the country come from grassroots organizations that work directly with the women they are supporting, with some going as far to open their homes to women who are traveling from different states to receive care. From paying for the procedure itself, to covering transportation costs, to providing childcare during the procedure, these funds work to make what seems impossible, possible. In addition to abortion care, these funds offer access to emergency contraception and options counseling. In a time where more teens are being taught irresponsible, dangerous (I feel so many adjectives about this) abstinence-only education, these funds help to educate and empower women. With the introduction of the Hyde amendment in 1977, a woman’s funding for abortion procedures are less attainable today than they were at the inception of Roe. V. Wade. Abortion funds fill the increasingly widening gap within our healthcare system and, in short, they pick up the slack.

Along with a number of volunteers across the country, abortion funds become a reality due to the generosity of individuals. I was overwhelmed by the amazing response from all my friends and family members after I initially sent out my “give me money to fund abortions, please!” email. This was the first fundraiser I had participated in, and at first, it was a bit intimidating. When I originally signed up and saw that the suggested fundraising goal was $350 I thought, “Well, that’s a stretch” and lowered my goal to $300. However, after a round of emails and some very enthusiastic Facebook posting (some of which may have involved me posting photos of cats bowling) I exceeded my goal. So, feeling gutsy, I raised it to $400 and a few days later I exceeded that, too. I was thrilled, especially because I knew every cent given to NYAAF went directly to a woman in need.

The event itself was fantastic. I think my best game was a 63 and am fairly certain that is well below the national average, but thankfully, whatever talent feminists possess for raising money and just generally kicking ass, does not translate to the bowling alley. Looking around I was relieved to see that everyone was pretty terrible. But getting to drink wine at three in the afternoon with some lovely feminists I know and admire kind of makes up for the collective lack of skill, and while the wine does not in any way improve your game, it does make you care less. But one skill that was definitely not lacking that day was the ability to craft the perfect pun. Anyone who says feminists do not have a sense of humor must not enjoy puns. Because we are so good at those. A few examples of amazing team names from the event I attended include: Roll v. Wade, Just Roe with it, Nuvablings, Planned Spare-nthood, and my personal favorite, The Dia-Frames (I literally cannot type that one without chucking). So, after about two hours of bowling and scavenging the free food left out for us (fried mac n’cheese!) the event was over and we were told we had raised $85,000. So, as I walked out of Bowlmor Lanes that afternoon, I did it with a huge grin of success, as the proud team captain of the mighty Plan B-owl.

And on that note, let me promote another fundraiser NYAAF is holding! On May 24^th, they are hosting punk rock karaoke, which means with a measly $8 donation at the door you are just minutes away from drinking scotch and pretending to be Stza as you belt out Choking Victim songs in front of a bunch of feminists. What could possibly be better than that?

Currently I am almost out of undergrad and I am completely terrified.  I am obsessed with my hipster college and cannot imagine what it will be like to be in a world where people don’t drink tea 24/7 and give me 3 hour super deep play analyses after all of my play readings.  My school has been my own , a female dominated home.  My school is 75%(ish?) female and therefore I almost feel like I go to an all girls school with a few random foreign exchange students aka men.

Going to a school with so many women has been incredibly interesting and not at all like I’d expect.  My mom warned me about the perils of a female dominated environment and I was slightly terrified little girls with fangs would bite me as soon as I got to college.  But mainly it has been pretty supportive.  I feel comfortable with women anyway and love being able to rant about my period at mostly any time of the day.  I also love being able to write plays with all women and having way too many talented and ferocious actors to pick from.

The hardest part of this” all girl land” has been the hetero dating scene.   There are hardly any men, so suddenly garden gnome random guys become the new Chad Michael Murray; any guy who can walk suddenly has a large sexy target on his back.  This makes for an unprecedented amount of competition and a feeling that if you start to have a crush, you have to go for it before some other  hipster gets in there first.  There is also a major hook-up culture that can leave a lot of people feeling used.  It seems like a lot of girls can get stuck not pursuing what they really want and just hooking up because that seems like the only option.  The dating scene can be incredibly discouraging for woman and can make us feel as if we are disposable.  I personally have struggled with some body image issues, and the constant arrogance from certain guys on campus was incredibly difficult to swallow.

I will miss this little hipster haven.  I will miss seeing so many women I feel like I’m in a radical feminist commune.  I will miss going braless and looking like a hobo for days on end and not caring.  I will miss the feeling that anyone whose anyone understands feminist theory.  But I will not miss odd and awkward hookup culture and guys that are too cocky for their own good.

As we move through our days, thousands of words slip from our tongues, filter through our ears, and brush past our eyes. With such constant besiegement from the media, text messages, e-mails, and many other sources, it is easy to discount the power and importance of the words around us. As a person interested in creating and fostering an equal world, language automatically sets a precedent and creates a tone. How can we, as people in the process of creating a new way of being, use language in a positive way?

Take, for example, this letter that I received in the mail in February. As you can see, my mother got to it first and marked it up. Coming from the National Association of Professional Woman, I expected more. This was my first impression of their organization and, I must say, it left much to be desired. Using sexist terminology does not create equality, instead it encourages stereotyping and implies that women are expected to fit in to a “business world” rife with phrases and expectations relating only to men.

As we look more carefully at the language surrounding us, many common words have shifted in the past hundred years. A great example is “Doctor” and “Doctoress”. In 2013, how would a female doctor feel about being called a “Doctoress”? A woman sculptor being called a “sculptress”? These words originally had gender specific forms that were later changed in search of equilibrium. The gender specificity, in many cases, has faded into the past and the new gender neutral has turned to what was traditionally used to specify a male. While I understand the importance of those shifts in terms of women’s rights and the feminist movement, I question the continuity of this language. Examining other languages, especially Neo-Latin languages, grammatical gender differences are used to reference men and women separately. What feels more equal, a shift to one side, allowing for two parts of a whole, or creating new gender-neutral terminology?

Since 2007 Washington State has been working on a series of bills to change gender-biased terminology in their state laws. Even though a 1983 mandate required that all laws should be written in gender-neutral terms unless a specification of gender was intended, it has still taken extensive effort and more bills to create forward motion. Washington State is the fourth state in the nation to eliminate gender boas from its official language, following Florida, North Carolina, and Illinois. Seven other states have passed constitutional mandates and at least nine others are currently considering changes. While it is a challenging and painstaking process, it is heartening to see that there are people working hard to make changes.

We are in a new era. The world has shifted and we must work to create positive change. How can we foster a celebration of differences rather than accept a complete shift to one side?

ALSO SEE http://www.reuters.com/article/2013/04/23/us-usa-gender-neutral-idUSBRE93M00V20130423

“Personal transformation is the key to social transformation”: An Interview with Kristina Leonardi

Career/life coach, motivational speaker and founder of The Women’s Mosaic® Kristina Leonardi talks to Paradigm Shift NYC about women’s empowerment, creating a nonprofit and the experience of being a personal coach..

The Women’s Mosaic® (TWM) is a nonprofit organization that provides opportunities for women to connect to themselves, each other and the world around them through programs that promote intercultural understanding and personal growth. Since January 2001, TWM has inspired, motivated and educated women with over 100 unique activities and events that “build bridges, expand horizons, and improve the lives of women both here and abroad.”

As a coach and speaker, Kristina has a down-to-earth approach that provides a practical framework for each individual to make the most of their personal and professional lives, allowing them to recognize, connect to, and fulfill their role in the world at large and live with clarity, balance and direction. She has a proven record of getting “stuck” clients empowered to make lasting changes aligned with their true passions and talents in a short time.

You can find out more about The Women’s Mosaic® by checking out their website, thewomensmosaic.org or blog chicksrockblog.com , liking them on Facebook, and following them on Twitter.

You can learn more about Kristina’s coaching and speaking at kristinaleonardi.com where you can also check out her weekly blog posts which have garnered quite the following through her weekly Personal Growth Gab eblasts.  Follow her on Twitter @clearlykristina.

What inspired you to create The Women’s Mosaic®?

I really wanted to use all of my talents, skills, abilities, and passions in one place and combine my interest in intercultural understanding, women’s empowerment, and personal growth. But I couldn’t find it out there, so I created it.  All the programs contain one or more components of those aspects…TWM was a way to share my knowledge of different cultures and express myself in a variety of ways, which has inspired and educated other women in the process.  This is what I try to explain in my speaking and coaching–if everyone just shared who they are, other folks will automatically benefit!

Can you tell us about some of the earliest programs that TWM offered?

Initially, The Women’s Mosaic was about having ethnic dinners with guest speakers and highlighting a women’s issue in that particular culture. The goal was to have women learn in an informal, but structured way. Instead of having to go to a lecture in some big auditorium, we were having an intimate authentic experience in a relaxed environment, with food being one of the main attractions – something that everyone can automatically connect and relate to!

How has The Women’s Mosaic® evolved since its inception?

TWM grew from small ethnic dinners to include more comprehensive panel discussions, film screenings and workshops. For instance, we hosted a discussion with women from all branches of the military in “My Life as a Female Soldier in Iraq.”  Other examples of panels were “Girls, Gods & Goddesses: Women’s Relationship to Religion & Spirituality,” “Politics Schmolitics” (where it was very hard to find a Republican woman in NYC!), and “Health & Nutrition: Perspectives from Around the World,” all of which brought together diverse voices to educate attendees about the topic from a variety of viewpoints and experiences. It’s always about bringing a human face and stories to a variety of issues so that we can all learn from, connect to and be inspired by one another. You can see a list of all past events on our website.  We’ve been in transition the past two years and are evolving yet again, so stay tuned for what’s next…

What was your favorite TWM program?

In 2002, just a year after 9/11, we did a program called “My Life as a Muslim Woman.” We had nine ethnically diverse, mostly American, Muslim women represented. They were phenomenal. You have to remember the ignorance of your average American at that time—most knew very little or nothing about Islam except for the most extreme fundamentalist version of it, so the intent was to dispel the prejudice and myths that existed (and unfortunately, still do in many respects). Even just walking into that room, a lot of people arrived thinking they were going to see all of these submissive, weak women covered from head to toe— but only three of the nine women were covered—in varying degrees—and they could not have been more accomplished and articulate about their identity and understanding of their faith. They absolutely shattered so many stereotypes and misconceptions that were particularly pervasive at that time.

The most surprising thing, though, was that we had about fifty people there—half the attendees were non-Muslim, and the other half were Muslim. Because there is so much diversity within the religion itself, they had never really come together like this. It was fascinating and significant to help unite that community at such a pivotal time. To me, I think that was the far greater benefit: that the Muslim women got to talk to and connect with each other and share their individual and collective experiences. In my life, it’s one of the things that I’m most proud of.

What is the role of The Women’s Mosaic® in the feminist movement?

The funny thing is that I never considered myself a feminist per se—this organization was completely born out of my own desire to be who I am and empower myself, to educate women about different cultures and balance out all the testosterone that had run amok in the world. We’re at a tipping point now that acknowledges the fact that the empowerment of women and girls leads to a better life for everyone, but twelve years ago, no one was talking about that so directly. At the time we started most women’s organizations were profession-specific and issue-specific; there was nothing out there that was just for women to continue to develop themselves on a personal level. The women that we appealed to are the majority, regular working woman who is still looking to learn and grow and be exposed to unique ideas and people. The Women’s Mosaic provided a very palatable way for women to continue to expand their horizons and interact with women they might not have the chance to otherwise.

Have you encountered any negativity or difficulties along the way?

Well, not really negativity but more that it has been a challenge sustaining and funding the organization through foundations, partly because we’re offering something so intangible. How do you quantify changing someone’s perception about Muslim women? We didn’t easily fit into any traditional funding category because, for instance, we weren’t serving women with survival needs—yet these ‘average’ women are the ones who could actually have the best chance to make change in their lives and the lives of those around them.  A lot of the women who went to events got involved in the issues we talk about…but to quantify and measure inspiration, motivation, dispelling of prejudice, identity and personal growth… it’s something invaluable that wasn’t as recognized in that sense. The good news is that there are other sources to tap into, and in recent years new funders are starting to support more transformational programs like ours.

How did you find out about and become involved with Paradigm Shift NYC?

I met Lisa [the Co-Founder of Paradigm Shift NYC] at a presentation about website design and she introduced me to Meredith. I dig Meredith. I’m really impressed with what she does with her programming and outreach. She’s really collaborative, which is great.

Can you tell us a little bit about your coaching?

It happened very organically.  Because of my own journey and mentoring many interns and volunteers, I realized I have a natural ability to get through people’s massive blocks and issues, heal any work/life imbalance and help them figure out their true calling. I’m really compassionate, understanding and loving in the way that I do my coaching, but I tell it like it is, which can sometimes be shocking to people! I have my own style and structure for how I work with folks— initial sessions are two hours in person with a forty-five minute follow-up phone call. I get to the essence of who you are very quickly and understand exactly where you’re at right now. Then I connect the dots of where you’ve been and determine what you truly want to do, where you really want to go – and ultimately who you want to be – and provide the tools and resources for how best to get there. After that initial session you have to do the work, but I am here to help guide and support you as much or as little as you want along the way.  I also offer group coaching twice a month.

What are some of the issues that women, in particular, come to you with?

An epidemic I see for a lot of people, but especially women, is lack of self-worth and self-esteem. It might present itself as bad relationships, not earning enough money, a variety of health issues, but it’s always the root of the problem and has to do with not honoring and taking care of yourself. On some level we’re taught, as women, to take care of everyone and be selfless to a certain extent, but when you do that to the detriment of your own mental, physical and emotional health, you’re no good to anybody, and you can’t fulfill your own potential.

The biggest thing I try to do as a speaker and coach is to get people to know, accept and love who they are, and then make the effort and have the patience and persistence to become the best versions of themselves they can be. Another issue I find is that I often have to give my clients “permission” to rest. Especially living in New York City, it’s always about work work work, go go go: but you have to be able to relax, be still, have fun, and know that pleasure in and of itself is productive. You need to let your body be able to heal, and give yourself the time and space to think and feel.

What would you say is the most pressing issue facing women today?

Motherhood. The women’s movement gave us the opportunity to certainly be and do a lot more than we were able to before, but the workplace hasn’t really changed until recently, and only incrementally. So yes, you can have a career, but with kids you have at least two jobs—you’re trying to please everyone, you’re overcompensating and/or feeling guilty about both, and what’s left over for you? I think about and observe this a lot with friends and clients, but there’s no easy answer right now. Until the workplace radically changes, and the societal norm is such that women feel completely fine about and encouraged to take care of and put themselves first—you’re trying to be a good wife, mother, lover, friend, and employee? There are not enough hours in the day unless you are super-disciplined to carve out that time for yourself to recharge and do things that energize you.

And if you’re a stay at home mom, there are often identity issues, conflicted feelings about income generation and spending, whether you want a new career or to go back to your old job….I think motherhood is at least the American women’s issue of our time. And then there are fertility problems, when is the best time to have children in relation to your career, and how do you raise kids in this crazy world or make the conscious decision not to have them?!

Men are helping out more, but the natural default is always with the mother. It’s very complex; but at the end of the day each woman has to make choices that are best for her particular situation and create a structure that supports her own well-being.

As a career coach, are there any mistakes that you made early in your career that you regret now, or advice you would give?

It’s important to understand that you need to pace yourself and find a balance between pursuing your dream at any cost, which requires a certain amount of risk, sacrifice and belief in oneself and the process, and being too cautious.  Early on I experienced some burn out because of how much of myself I invested with my time, energy and finances in TWM, but I might not have even tried if I knew what it would really require to bring my idea to life – so you always have to take that first step and see where it takes you.  Being able to literally create something out of nothing is incredibly rewarding, and the fact that we what we did based on sheer will and chutzpah is pretty amazing, and I couldn’t be more proud.

All of the challenges – which are expected when you decide to really stretch yourself and step into the unknown – have taught me so much about myself, contributed to my own personal growth and profoundly informed me in my coaching and speaking work, so I wouldn’t be here now had I not gone that route and am very grateful for what I have and continue to learn. It’s been quite the journey and it gets more interesting every day, that’s for sure!   So I guess you could say my advice is to always do the thing that you most want to do because you will surprise yourself with every success, and any problems or ‘mistakes’ will just be opportunities to grow.

Any words of wisdom to leave us with?

Personal transformation is the key to social transformation. I’m always connecting the individual to the whole. If you don’t have a peaceful, happy, fulfilled world in and of yourself, how can we expect world peace?

Sign up to be in the loop with The Women’s Mosaic® and Kristina’s services at thewomensmosaic.org and kristinaleonardi.com.

Photo credit: Julie Yarbrough

Aishah Shahidah Simmons’s documentary about rape, NO!, was a project she conceived as being primarily aimed toward Black women, and these are the women who talk openly about their experience in the film. To Ms. Simmons’ surprise, the film has been used as a tool to open up discussion about rape in such unexpected places as Guam, Croatia, and Hungary. “The universality of sexual assault transcends color,” she points out. While Ms. Simmons, who is a survivor of both incest and rape, is pleased to have created a work that has so much resonance, it is also frustrating that a film first screened in 2006 continues to be so necessary. Nonetheless, the fact that the film sparks such deep responses and fruitful conversation is cause for great encouragement. Speaking out is one of the most powerful weapons to fight sexual assault.

NO! features a number of women giving testimony and thus breaking their silence on their personal experience of rape. As Ms. Simmons notes, this is critical because “rapists bank on silence and shame.” Challenging though it is to be out and visible, more and more women realize it is necessary, both for their own healing and as a way of breaking down the wall of shame.

Despite improvements in police and media response, there is still a societal attitude that treats rape as the only crime where a victim’s behavior is a factor in whether it is, in fact, deemed a crime. As Ms. Simmons says, “I could leave my laptop on a table in Starbucks while I’m at the counter and someone could steal it – that would definitely be stupid of me, but it won’t stop authorities from trying to track it down. When it comes to sexual assault, however, the victim is still thoroughly vetted for possible complicity before a serious investigation gets underway.”

Ms. Simmons explains that, despite the regular horror stories such as the gang rape in India and cases such as Steubenville, rape is no more prevalent than it’s ever been. The difference is that more women are refusing to be silent. This does raise the risk of backlash, which we see more immediately, thanks to social media.

“It is detrimental to survivors whose lives are plastered on social media,” says Ms. Simmons. “I get attacked too, and it’s hard, but at least I have tools, which include therapy and vipassana meditation, to handle it. A 15-year-old girl who’s already been victimized probably won’t have those or other useful tools to cope with the attacks.” Social media can castigate and malign a victim, which is why one major point Ms. Simmons makes when talking about NO! to young people is that they have to think about how words can have impact.

Part of the problem is a lack of understanding about language. Some people don’t have a real understanding of what rape is.

“I’ve heard girls say, ‘I’d let him rape me,’” says Ms. Simmons. Likewise, some boys and men have complained that NO! “doesn’t leave room for seduction.” Too many men are not clear on the difference between seduction and coercion, a problem that NO! attempts to rectify. “It’s generally understood that for every minute a rape lasts, that will require at least one year of healing, if they are in  therapy. When audiences hear that, and witness these survivors’ testimonies, they start to understand just what the words mean.”

Asked what she thinks is at the root of what’s called the current “rape culture,” Ms. Simmons says rape remains a weapon of patriarchy, an attempt to “put women in their place. There is a feeling that the traditional male power structure is slipping away and the immediate response to any perceived uprising is always to squash it. There is also still an idea that it’s acceptable to denigrate women, reducing them to receptacles rather than people, an idea unfortunately perpetuated in the culture and media. The difference between now and a few decades ago is that women are increasingly not silent about the violence perpetuated against them – be it sexual assault or a battering by a partner.”

One issue NO! explores that gets very little traction in the wider discussion of rape is that rape is also a weapon of homophobia.  “There is an attitude expressed by some men that says, ‘I’m gonna rape her straight,’” says Ms. Simmons. One survivor in the film, Queen, talks about the threat of her assault and how it came from an attitude of “rape isn’t rape if it’s to teach black lesbians a lesson.” This is especially the case if a woman is masculine identified. “When it comes to lesbians,” says Ms. Simmons, “the insistence that she is put in her place is particularly strong. She has to be shown that she is not a man. She is not a peer. She is a woman and thus a receptacle for whatever a man wants from her.”

This attitude extends toward hatred of gay men as well. The denigration of the feminine locates a gay man as being like a woman and thus worthy of condescension and even violence.

“So much of it is a desire to go back to the way things were,” says Ms. Simmons. “A time when gay people weren’t visible, women kept quiet, and all people of color knew their rightful place in society. Now the anger and fear of change as more groups push for equality gets played out on women’s bodies.”

Despite increasing gains in civil rights and equality across the spectrum, there is still some discomfort with language and how one is perceived. When calling out a racist act, a person of color might preface remarks with an apology, an insistence that they’re “not playing the ‘race card.’” Likewise, Ms. Simmons has observed repeatedly in her women’s studies classes at Temple University and in Q&A sessions after screenings of NO! that young women are quick to qualify their thoughts with the classic, “I’m not a feminist, but…” before continuing on to make a feminist statement.  When Ms. Simmons points out that they are speaking strong feminist language, they persist in believing that it’s a “bad word,” and not one with which they wish to be associated.

“The media plays a strong role in this,” says Ms. Simmons. “It determines what we think. It’s not just Fox News and Rush Limbaugh, and it’s not just the language of hip-hop, though that’s all easy to blame. It’s rampant in mainstream media too. We need to recognize that and push back.”

While policy can play an important role – the passage of the Violence Against Women Act was a strong step, although the fact that it was controversial is disheartening – Ms. Simmons notes that the real progress is found in organizations dedicated to changing behavior and helping to create a healthier dialogue. Groups such as Men Stopping Violence, Men Can Stop Rape, Black Women’s Blueprint, and Project Stop Now among many others, are making strides in pushing back against the culture of violence. Ms. Simmons is particularly pleased to see such groups and offices dedicated to women’s well-being on the campuses of the historically black colleges and universities, which have been slow to acknowledge the need.

She’s also encouraged by some of the responses young men have to NO! When she screened the film for the Philadelphia Student Union, many young men talked about how they have been complicit in violence, simply by not speaking out when something inappropriate was said or done, because they feared being attacked in kind. The film helps everyone see how important it is to break the cycle of silence.

“I wanted to make women feel empowered after viewing the film,” says Ms. Simmons of her impetus in making NO! “I wanted them to understand that life doesn’t have to stop if you’ve been assaulted. They can get involved in the movement to stop violence, and men must as well. I want women to feel strong enough to seek help – therapy can be stigmatized among people of color, but it’s important and I believe should be non-negotiable. Above all, I want everyone to understand that the shame is not on the victim, but on the perpetrator.”

—You can read more about Aishah Shahidah Simmons and NO!, as well as order copies, at http://notherapedocumentary.org/. Paradigm Shift NYC will also alert readers to local screenings.

While browsing the internet I came across this advertisement for Sauza Tequila. A conventionally attractive lifeguard mugs for the camera, shows off his physique and makes frozen cocktails because he knows how to take awesome care of the ladies. I was willing to brush it off as silly fluff until he said that taking care a woman includes

“keeping her shoe tree organized, her ex boyfriend from texting her, or her mom from blowing up her Facebook wall”

Later he raises his glass and says:

“I believe celebrity gossip is as important as the news, and if Jill buys the same purse, I’ll tell you you wear it better, because I’m a lifeguard and I care.”

The cheesy music and “gawk at the beefcake” vibe is tongue in cheek. And I admit I laughed a little bit when he broke the fourth wall with a smoldering “I love you.” But it’s hard to take most of the text of the ad as a joke. The things the Lifeguard says are supposed to be equally as appealing as his looks, and therefore the tequila. If we are meant to disagree with what he says, why would we want to accept his drink?

To sum up – women need men to organize our wardrobes, protect us from other men, run interference with our mothers, and validate how vapid, jealous and materialistic we are. We should be so flattered that a man would accept and embrace our neuroses and shallowness that we buy Sauza tequila.

I looked at the rest of the ads on Sauza’s YouTube Channel, and they are simpler, focusing mainly on how attractive the lifeguard is. Perhaps they are going for a parallel to beer and car commercials where stereotypically beautiful women are used to sell products to men. The thing is, in those advertisements the women don’t say things like,

“I know how to treat a man; keeping your toolbox organized, preventing your ex girlfriend from calling you and knowing that video games are as important as the news.”

Ads that feature sexy women targeted at men objectify women. This ad, featuring a sexy man, targeted at women…insults women.

No thanks, Sauza Tequila.

Elizabeth also blogs at Political Flavors. You can follow her on Twitter @MissCherryPi.

This is my first post to paradigm shift blog and I didn’t think I would be revealing personal stories just yet, but I was inspired recently by a Ted Talk by Shane Koyczan who shared his personal story of being bullied and also being a bully. So to introduce myself, here is a piece of a personal story.

I was bullied.

I sat and stared at those words for a moment because I have been running from them for a long time now. I don’t even like to admit it and I usually down play it whenever the subject does come up in social situation. However, the truth is that most of my school life I felt isolated and lonely. It’s not that I never had any friends, but there were many parts of my youth when I didn’t.

This manifested itself in being picked last for everything, not just sports which I can actually understand because I’m clumsy. I dreaded the words “pick a partner.” Attending school dances was like walking into a self-inflicted torture chamber filled with boys gaging at thought of dancing with me. My parents never made me go to any of these functions, but somewhere inside I would think maybe this time would be different.  It wouldn’t be.

While in Teach for America, I witnessed similar situations of subtle isolation. I tried to combat it as much as I could in my own classroom, but I know it was pervasive in our school.  Recent years has seen some highly publicized cases of bullying. Organizations and initiatives have jumped to try to help teachers, parents and students. I agree with their motives and effort. However, there has to be a change in culture to see them succeed in making the daily lives of kids being bullied.  Reality shows that feature harsh judgments of people’s talents and looks are standard on our TV screens.

In truth, I still struggle now with my past and there are times when I revert back to the wall flower and fear judgment. What if all my friends find out that I’m really a dork with nothing special to offer? These kinds of thoughts still haunt me. No one has given me cause to feel an upsurge of vulnerability and I have been offered more love and support than I ever thought I would be from a circle of friends.

So my question is, although it is true that It Gets Better as one of my favorite bully prevention programs declares, how do we instill the armor for kids being bullied so they can escape the memories when they are an adult? This would build a citizenship of confident adults and are ready to contribute to the world. I fear that many adult survivors of bullying are still hiding as wall flowers when they could be on the dance floor.

As a community we can help combat the negative effects of bullying. If you are friends with a survivor, be patient when they have moments of weakness. Also, remember that you may need to tell survivors they are good more times than is really necessary for an average person. It takes more for us to believe that what we do or think matters, but every time you do give us a compliment it means the world to us even if we don’t always show it.