Paradigm Shift

ATTENTION: Young Feminists of Brooklyn!!

Go! Push Pops is recruiting NYC Women to participate in a free Warrior Goddess Workshop May 4, 11, 18 & 25

Go! Push Pops at the Brooklyn Museum!!!!

Wednesday, April 24, 2013 at 6:30 p.m.

The Brooklyn Artists Ball

Go! Push Pops will re-perform “BLOCK WATCHING Remix”  (based on Luis Gispert’s 2002 video Block Watching) with founding member Anna Souvorov as well as “BAD BITCHES” a new work in collaboration with Michelle Marie Charles.

Tickets for the dance party 9-12pm are only $75 (Includes Open bar and Nail Art)

Buy tickets to the Ball and/or After-Party at ball.brooklynmuseum.org.

The Push Pops are a queer, transnational, radical feminist collective under the direction of Elisa Garcia de la Huerta and Katie Cercone.

Go! Push Pops   
http://thepushpopcollective.tumblr.com/

Hi!

I’m Cath, a new blogger to Paradigm Shift and a feminist about to graduate her hipster college!  My main interests that I will write about include theater, pop culture, beauty standards/ being body positive as well as personal essays.

I notice that a lot of the other cool bloggers have talked about their feminist “click” moments, so I would like to dive into that as well.

I had many “fake out” clique moments like when I got confused why all of my high school literature essays where about the female perspective or when I went through a phase where I only wanted to read plays by women.  But those were only little bumps long the feminist road, I had yet to encounter the humongo life altering road bump that would change my perspective utterly.

At my college we have something called a “Field Work Term.”  It is an annual event when we get 7 weeks to explore the world and do things that are supposed to complement our studies.  Most Bennington students do odd hipster things like working at an Asian circus, woofing(living on someone’s farm in exchange for work) or being a manager for a local cult(you can’t make this stuff up!).  My usual FWT’s have included typical cliché theater student things like working at a theater, stage managing at a theater, looking at a theater etc.  But for some reason, my junior year, I ended up going on a different path.

I found “The National Eating Disorder Association” through some feminist browsing.  I did not really know what an eating disorder was, unless you count sketchy inaccurate gossip from high school about why some girl looked so skinny.  So I was sort of confused what I was applying for and therefore NEDA was not even on the top of my list for that FWT, but they seemed so nice and emailed me back super fast!  I like when people do that!

So for 7 weeks I worked at NEDA and got my mind blown slowly.  I remember when I first started training and overheard someone on the phone saying, “There’s more to life than your looks, you can free yourself from that harmful thinking.”  I was like, “What!?!?!”  I had never heard anyone talk about physical appearance in that way.  I grew up knowing I was chubby and up to that point one of my major life goals was to not be that.  I had played with numerous sketchy diets and “Lifestyle” eating plans but most of them got me back where I started.  I had never heard anyone give permission for someone to not focus on their looks and to accept them self as they are now.

As I learned more and more about eating disorders and beauty standards, I felt more and more empowered.  I could hope for more things in my life than just being thinner!  Now I know that could sound shallow, but lot of people, especially girls, are raised to focus on enhancing their body through dieting etc.  That was all I knew and I didn’t think there was a way out.

For the first time I learned that I could love my body as it was!  I could love that I had curves and I wasn’t flat chested and that I didn’t look like anyone else!  For the first time I stopped noticing other people’s bodies and whether they were socially acceptable.  I sifted through NEDA’s amazing library of books and read tons of feminist theory, books about eating disorder prevention and being body positive.  I was so excited I literally wanted to eat all of these books with glee!

For the first time in my life I was free.  And when I talked to other people on the phone, I was helping to free them.  I helped people to see there was another perspective.  I helped people to learn that they are beautiful, no matter what their friend or boyfriend says.  I would talk to people as young as 12, who had been dieting all day and wanted to call to see what an eating disorder was.  I felt so good knowing that I could empower others to be themselves.

For me being a feminist means confidence no matter what social rules tell you to believe or think about yourself.  Feminism for me felt like this super hero cape that I didn’t know I had. I am so excited to write for Paradigm Shift!!  Woot!

‘Russia has urged German authorities to punish the protesters. “This is ordinary hooliganism and unfortunately it happens all over the world, in any city. One needs to punish (them),” Kremlin spokesman Dmitry Peskov said. [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/vladimir-putin/9978447/Bemused-Vladimir-Putin-and-Angela-Merkel-confronted-by-topless-Femen-protester-in-Hanover.html]’

Both the Western and worldwide media does not pay attention to women until they take off their clothes. This isn’t news to anyone. Sites decrying the lack of young people’s morality also have gossip pages detailing lasciviously the nip slips and crotch shots of our favorite rehab bound women. With the preoccupation of women’s bodies is many a celebrity blogger’s paycheck made. It is in this light, this raunch culture, that I look at the activism of FEMEN with considerable cynicism.

FEMEN exploded onto the activist movement in 2008, its members quickly became internationally recognizable for going topless, and now naked, to protest sex tourists, sexism and other social ills in the Ukraine. The movement has since spread internationally. They have recently been in the news for the activist actions of a young women from Tunsia, Amina Tyler as well as April 4, 2013 International Topless Jihad Day. While I pray for the safety of Amina and the end of oppression the world over I also see that FEMEN is using her as the poster-child of a movement that runs on shock-value, and often speaks over the voices of the women they seek to ‘liberate’. Most recently FEMEN attacked sex workers taking to the stage in Paris to shove a nude woman who had been giving a lapdance on stage onto the ground repeatedly. While yelling, “Go rape yourself”, because apparently using nudity is only appropriate when FEMEN decides it is. They stated:  Mainstream sex industry is allowing millions of user to download each day billions of disgusting images staging women in the most humiliating way as possible to satisfy the beasty lust of patriarchy. It’s a bizarre ideological mash-up when the irony of harming a woman to fulfill their goals seems to escape them.

FEMEN is all over the place ideologically speaking recently, they have even sought registration as a non-governmental organization. They even have the good fortune of  a wealthy male benefactor Jed Sunden, the owner of KP media.

It troubles me that naked women with banners are being presented in the media as the new wave of feminism. It troubles me that Inna Shevchenko seems to think she invented nude activism. It troubles me that journalists declare FEMENS actions a gloriously crude protest with an article that makes clear the authors titillation. Male gaze, anyone?

Taking off your clothes to protest is not a new thing. Nor is it soley the tactic of the white, tight bodied frustrated advocate. In Nigeria, Kenya, and Libya nude protest has taken place over a century. What a testament to Eurocentric thinking it is to assume that FEMEN or any other Western organization, looking at you PETA, has invented this style of activism.

FEMEN is opportunistic with their use of the young and attractive female body in order to draw attention. Perhaps more insidious is that Ms. Shevchenko’s ‘beauty as a weapon’ philosophy enhances that shallow binary between “feminists” as the ugly old movement and “Femen” as the young virile fierce beauties. Intersectional feminist theory reminds us to ask ourselves what women are represented and in FEMEN the answer seems to be the young and the luscious. Oh but there are less than perfect members of FEMEN who are active, people tell me. And undoubtedly there are, but these are not the women in the majority of the clips shown by the media or, tellingly, by FEMEN themselves.

Further, the west is decidedly Islamophobic at worst and ignorant at best about Muslims. The media at large misrepresents Islam, often portraying the Middle East as the Islamic capital while Indonesia actually boasts a larger Islamic population. FEMEN doesn’t seem to be doing any better. When Muslim women rally against FEMEN they are called brainwashed and ‘stupid slaves’ by the FEMEN supporters on Facebook. Miriam Cooke, professor of modern Arabic literature and culture of Duke University reminds of of the inherent colonialism in the concern for the oppression of women under the thumb of Islam she says, “so extreme is the concern with Muslim women today that veiled, and even unveiled, women are no longer thought of as individuals: collectively they have become the Muslimwoman.”

What Femen, and feminism, needs to remember is that all women have choices. All of us, as women, have power and our choices to respond how we want to. It’s not as though women who aren’t feminists are brainless they are people with their own experiences and power. They get to decide what they are doing with their lives.

Most of the pushback for Amina is coming from the west while Inna Shevchenko lives in France, where nude protests may be shocking—the penalty for doing so is not lashes. The repeated criticism by women actually practicing Islam and living in the countries that FEMEN seeks to ‘liberate’ is that white women are not bringing feminism to Muslim countries it has existed there before. There’s a lack of cultural sensitivity to charge into a country and assume that you know better, that you are able to save them.

In a civilized society, everyone should have the right to peaceful protest. No FEMEN member should be harmed for the frustration shown through nudity…is liberation making Muslim women available for scrutiny under the male gaze? The argument for nudity is that shock is what causes people to pay attention. But is it shock? Nudity is EVERYWHERE in the western society. There is a deeply Eurocentric mindset to much political discussion among white radicals in discussions of feminism and the struggle for women’s rights. Now the spotlight is being shone on Ms. Shevchenko and her considerable bodily charms—and I’ve never felt further away from progress.

Photo Credit anw-fr  via Creative Commons

Original post: http://www.fem2pt0.com/2013/04/10/femen-feminisms-enfant-terrible/

…than rape jokes on social media,

…than a “professional athlete” who has pled guilty to domes c abuse,

…than misogynis c and derogatory comments about women,

…than perverse hypermasculinity,

…than HUMAN CAGEFIGHTING.

March 15, 2013

Honorable Sheldon Silver
Speaker of the Assembly
932 Legislative Office Building
Albany, N.Y. 12248

Re: Uphold Ban Against Professional Cage Fighting in New York

Dear Speaker Silver:

As advocates for survivors of domestic and sexual assault, we are writing to urge you to uphold the State of New
York’s ban against professional cage fighting and to resist efforts by the Las Vegas-based Ultimate Fighting
Championship (UFC) to bring these violent spectacles to New York.

No state that aspires to be the “progressive capital of the nation,” as Governor Cuomo asserted in his recent State of
the State speech, should lower itself by embracing an industry dominated by a company that tolerates joking about
sexual violence. Fighters in the UFC have joked about rape in public and one has appeared in videos that are
demeaning to women and make fun of sexual violence.

Why, in a state that just enacted tough new legislation addressing the epidemic of domestic assault,1 would we
reverse course and expose our children to the violent misogyny and perverse forms of masculinity that are
celebrated in the world of amateur and professional cage fighting?

Last year, UFC fighter Quinton “Rampage” Jackson appeared in an online video in which he makes light of sexual
assault by pretending to attempt to rape a woman in a parking garage using chloroform and zip ties.2 Even after a
coalition of women’s groups, clergy and academics expressed outrage over Jackson’s behavior, and called for his
removal from a cage fighting event, the UFC allowed him to compete on national television.3

One prominent UFC fighter wrote on Twitter, “Rape is the new missionary,” 4 while another UFC fighter wrote, “If
a rape van was called a surprise van, more women wouldn’t mind going for rides in them.” 5 UFC president Dana
White has set a despicable example by repeatedly using abusive language that is derogatory to women.”6 (See the
attached document for incidents of socially irresponsible behavior by people associated with the UFC.)

Jokes about rape are never funny. Rape jokes are not funny to the 1.4 million women in New York who reported
having been raped at some point in their lives; and they are not funny to the 3.8 million New York women who
reported experiencing sexual violence victimization other than rape during their lifetimes.7

We strongly encourage you to maintain the ban against professional cage fighting events in New York.

(See List of Supporters)

Respectfully submitted, and on behalf of the following supporters,

Joanne Archambault
Executive Director
End Violence Against Women International (EVAWI)

Lena Alhusseini
Executive Director
The Arab American Family Support Center

Larry Lee
Executive Director
New York Asian Women’s Center

Moshe Rozdzial, Ph.D.
Co-Chair
The National Organization for Men Against Sexism (NOMAS)

Joanne N. Smith
Founder and Executive Director
Girls for Gender Equity Inc.

Press Release, “Governor Cuomo Signs Legislation Strengthening New York’s Domestic Violence Laws,” Oct. 25, 2012,
http://www.governor.ny.gov/press/102512domesticviolencelegislation
2
“Rampage Jackson — How to Pick Up a Gurl — Fast,” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SfG5amLtWEQ
3
Hirst, Ellen Jean, “Video sparks protest of Ultimate Fighting event,” Jan. 25, 2013, Chicago Tribune,
http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2013-01-25/news/ct-met-ufc-rape-video-20130125_1_ufc-fighter-lorenzo-fertitta-
quinton-rampage-jackson; NBC 5 Chicago, “Groups Want UFC Star Booted for Racy Videos,” Jan. 26, 2013,
http://www.nbcchicago.com/news/sports/ufc-chicago-quinton-rampage-jackson-rape-video-188462661.html; Hill,
Darlene, “Women’s groups protest UFC’s Quinton `Rampage’ Jackson,” Jan. 25, 2013, FOX 32 Chicago,
http://www.myfoxchicago.com/story/20711189/womens-groups-protest-quinton-rampage-jackson
4
Associated Press, “Group Criticizes UFC After Fighter’s Rape Tweet,” Nov. 12, 2012, CBS-Las Vegas,
http://lasvegas.cbslocal.com/2011/11/12/group-criticizes-ufc-after-fighters-rape-tweet/
5
McNeil, Franklin, “UFC fires Miguel Torres for tweet,” Dec. 9, 2011, ESPN.com,
http://espn.go.com/mma/story/_/id/7334939/ufc-releases-miguel-torres-rape-van-twitter-post
6
Video (1:55 to 2:00), “UFC President Dana White’s Notorious Rant,” April 3, 2009, http://www.blinkx.com/watch-
video/ufc-president-dana-white-notorious-rant/FYZcYppmYJ5wwYruuKpvpw; YouTube video (3:51 to 4:06),

7
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, “The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey: 2010 Summary
Report,” November 2011, http://www.cdc.gov/ViolencePrevention/pdf/NISVS_Report2010-a.pdf

Here we are again.

A teenage girl goes to a party. She is raped by four assailants. There are pictures taken and distributed through social media.

She does not tell her mother until four days later what happened. Too late for a rape kit. Rehtaeh’s victimization goes viral and she is branded a slut. Her mother tells the story:

Rehtaeh was suddenly shunned by almost everyone she knew, the harassment was so bad she had to move out of her own community to try to start anew in Halifax. She struggled emotionally with depression and anger .Her thoughts of suicide began and fearing for her life, she placed herself in a hospital in an attempt to get help. She stayed there for almost 6weeks. The bullying continued, her friends were not supportive. She needed a friend and eventually along the way a few new friends came along and a few old friends came forward.
Rae then moved back to Dartmouth, always with the concern of what will be said about her, said to her. Again, she was the one raped…she was the victim being victimized over and over again. One year later the police conclude their investigation to state that it comes down to “he said, she said” they believed the boys raped her but the proof in a court of law was difficult to gather. The photo sent…”well Leah, that’s a community issue!” The bullying never stopped but she learned to keep her head high and surrounded herself with the ones who truly cared.

 

The boys were not interviewed until long after the family tried to press charges.When they were interviewed it was together, easily allowing corroboration of their stories. No one was held accountable for the photographs, despite being child pornography, because the police said there was no way to tell who had taken the photograph.

For seventeen months Rehtaeh struggled to survive in the face of humiliation, bullying and shaming.

Nova Scotia’s Justice Minister Ross Landry refuses to review why the RCMP did not lay charges in this investigation. The school officials did nothing to help there’s no mention of any of the boys or other bullies being so much as suspended.

He released this statement:

“As a community, we need to have more dialogue with our young people about respect and about support to educate our young boys and our young girls about what’s appropriate behaviour, what’s not appropriate behaviour,” Landry said.

“We have to make sure that we’re cognizant about what gets online and what doesn’t get online and what the impacts are, so it’s having that dialogue.

“That still doesn’t take away the fact that we’ve lost a beautiful young woman … and I’m very upset about the loss.”

Rehtaeh Parson didn’t get a trial like Jane Doe. I never thought I would wish a trial like that on any young girl but at the very least an attempt for justice and an awareness around her story occurred  Jane Doe’s struggle isn’t over yet but Retaeh Parson’s is. Because she is dead.

And this is our society. The taunting, the photographs, the lack of accountability is what we have. We don’t have Rehtaeh anymore. She’s another victim to misanthropy. She brings to mind another young woman I wrote about last year, Amanda Todd.

Once again, now that we’ve lost the young woman..now we care.

There’s a petition to demand Justice for Rehtaeh. I don’t know if it will do anything. It’s too late to do what should have been done. All I am wondering now is how many more times am I going to have to write this narrative.

She’s not some forgettable, slutty teenager she’s Rehtaeh Parsons, but she could be any young woman who dares to go outside. She was raped when she was 15. She was victimized over and over. When she was 17 she committed suicide.

She could have been any of us.

There was barely time to cheer the news that a federal judge ruled the morning-after pill must be made available over the counter without a prescription when the story came in from Virginia that an amendment had passed barring insurance plans to cover abortion, even when paid for with one’s own money.

This, so soon on the heels of North Dakota’s restrictive – and unconstitutional – abortion law came to pass the same day so many progressives were cheering the momentum for marriage equality. It’s enough to make one feel like there can’t just be a solid “win” in one day – there always has to be a hit, too.

It is exciting to finally see such a groundswell of support for gay rights, with even conservatives speaking out in favor of marriage equality. It’s interesting to note that the language is often the same: an opinion is changed because someone they love – child, relative, friend – has told them that they are gay. And realizing that yes, they are still human and worthy of all the same rights and benefits as the next person, tips the balance away from prejudice and toward acceptance.

Although most of the anti-choice crowd also has a woman in their lives whom they love, the acceptance does not extend to abortion rights. Abortion just isn’t talked about in the same way – and more often than not, it isn’t talked about at all.

There are several reasons for the silence. While conservatives like to cast being gay as a “choice,” abortion, of course, really is. In particular, it’s a medical procedure a woman undergoes one day out of her life. While many days before and after might be emotionally tumultuous, it is still just one day, just one event in a woman’s life, and does not define her character.

Furthermore, abortion is private. It’s a decision made, at most, by two people. It is no one else’s business.

Being gay, on the other hand, is part of who someone is. The powerful – and correct – word associated with coming out is “pride.” Being gay doesn’t define the whole self, but it does indicate how someone loves, which is one of the most important parts of a full and happy life. Gay people used to be forced to live shadowed lives, not allowed a public existence. They were told that how they loved was something of which to be ashamed.

With the tide turning, they are claiming full personhood in a way human history hasn’t previously allowed – to history’s shame.

But this should remind us why it will always be more difficult to keep minds open on abortion. Abortion is painted as a shameful thing – just as much as being gay once was. And whereas the word “pervert” is thankfully fading into memory, the word “murder” is louder than ever.

It would help if women felt comfortable enough to talk openly about having had an abortion and let their loved ones see that they are still just as human, good, and dear as they ever were. It would help if people could then understand that abortion isn’t something “bad” women do, that it is an option some women simply need to have. It isn’t easy, but it is necessary, and it doesn’t mark a person for life.

Even under the best circumstances, however, women probably won’t want to talk openly about having had an abortion – and why should they? Besides, no one really likes to hear about someone else’s medical procedure. It can be one of the best ways to end a family gathering early. What we must try to do is remove the stigma of “shame.” There is no easy way to do that, but it must be done. The anti-choice contingent is winning with the use of emotionally charged language. We must beat them back by reminding them that it is the woman who counts, not the fetus. And if she chooses to abort, she remains the same rich, textured human being she ever was, not someone who is defined by a choice she made on one day of her life.

A few weeks ago, I attended a fantastic conference on feminism and new media: a day devoted to online activism and freelancing as a feminist, sponsored by the fabulous women at WAM! NYC. What was supposed to be a nine-to-five Feminist Saturday Spectacular was quickly cut short for me; I bailed at noon. I listened to the first panel on “Responsible Reporting on Trauma” and attended to three-quarters of a genuinely helpful discussion on negotiating when I fell into a technology hole.

I heard about the annual WAM! NYC Conference from fellow feminists who attended last year. The conference—or the part I managed to attend, at least—was wonderful. The panelists were engaging, the advice was solid, and the room was full of bright young women. What I didn’t realize, though, was that a conference on feminism and new media would, obviously, have a lot of feminist bloggers and tweeters in attendance.

I was intimidated. I had been interested in blogging but hadn’t yet typed anything worth submitting; my twitter feed had been reduced to a private account that consisted of comments on Beyoncé’s genius and my own hygiene issues (“It’s Casual Maybe-I-Should-Have-Washed-My-Hair Friday, you guys!”). I was definitely a few steps behind these women, but I was there to learn, right?! I tentatively took out my notebook and clunky Android phone from my bag and mentally prepared for the day ahead.

The first panel began and after a few minutes I was already falling behind. While trying to take notes, I worried that I was missing something potentially tweet-able. I tried to juggle hand-writing my notes and composing tweets at the same time, but that was a failure. I quickly panicked: Was it better to stop using my notepad and just tweet everything? What was the conference-sanctioned hash tag? Why couldn’t I check-in to this thing on Facebook? It doesn’t count as live-tweeting if you post it later, right?! And why did this seem so easy for everyone else?

I was trying my best to keep up with the room full of feminists who were, somehow, simultaneously tweeting, checking into Foursquare, friend-ing each other on Facebook, and taking notes on the panelists. I felt overwhelmed. The necessity of using this technology was obvious. The hash tag for the event was written on piece of paper taped to the wall, under the note reminding us of the wifi password. The women around me rushed to plug in laptops and scroll through their smartphones. A girl sitting next to my left clicked her nails against an iPad. Everyone in the room seemed, somehow, better at this technology thing than me.

I missed most of the panel on trauma writing because I spent that hour having an inner panic attack about what I was “supposed” to be doing: tweeting or actually paying attention. When the panel on negotiating began, I realized that I was suddenly anxious, sweating, and very much over being in public. I packed up my pathetic spiral notebook and fled.

The problem I was having—apart from my obvious social anxiety issues—was that I couldn’t decide if it was more important to actually be learning at the conference or to let people know that I was at the conference. Social media is necessary in activism. My failure at it was, and is, holding me back.

New media is quickly becoming a staple in feminist activism. Feminists and like-minded thinkers collaborate and arrange to act on social media and listservs. Technology is bringing activists together in an urgent, startlingly fast way. Feminist media, as this conference was trying to tell me, is vital to change.

So why was I having so much trouble with it? It’s difficult to keep up, for one thing. Being an activist today means that you should, if you plan on making anything happen, have a very active and transparent online presence.

As a feminist in New York City, at least, it is important to make it known that you’re spending your Saturday attending a feminist media conference. It is equally important for you to live-tweet it. You’ll obviously have to write something about it later for your blog, but while you’re there it is important to make a fast Facebook post thanking everyone and friend-ing your new connections. Your name, and a testament to what a dedicated feminist you are, will pop up on your friends’ newsfeeds constantly throughout the day. The message is clear: If you want to make change happen, you need to have a viable spot in the social media world.

How can someone like me, who only tweets about her dry shampoo usage, make a difference as an activist without relying on technology? In short, I don’t think it’s possible. Following Shelby Knox on Twitter isn’t enough; an aspiring activist needs to be writing her own tweets, composing her own blog posts, and posting her own Facebook events. That was my takeaway from my brief two hours at the conference: Be the Shelby Knox you wish to see in the world! Or something like that.

Feminism, as it exists today, would not be possible without new media. To reject Twitter, or Facebook, or WordPress, or your other social media outlet of choice is to reject the chance to have your voice and your views heard. To me, it has become apparent that Third Wave feminism is very much about utilizing technology and carving out a space for yourself amongst other activists. Embrace it or get nothing done.

What’s a technology-wary feminist to do? Get real and deal. I’ve got a brand new, grown-up Twitter account (where I will only be posting occasional Beyoncé tweets now, I promise). Look out, feminism: I’m tweeting. And blogging, if you haven’t figured that out yet.

My greatest desire in being a feminist—the reason I support this cause at all—is to actually change the social structure. To earn equal pay. To have easy access to abortion. If I, or any other activist, want those things to become a reality, we have to make our voices heard and rally support around these causes. The way to do this is through new media.

Next year, I plan on going back to WAM! NYC’s conference. I will be a feminist tweeting contender when I return. And I vow to stay for at least three hours next time, before getting overwhelmed again.

Kristen Verge is a new blogger for Paradigm Shift NYC. She is a New Jersey girl recently transplanted to Brooklyn, most interested in women and the media, a woman’s right to choose, and women’s issues in the Native American community. You can see her tweeting attempts at @kristenverge.

One of the incredibly smart women I work with sent me a link to an op-ed from Princeton University’s newspaper entitled: “Advice for the young women of Princeton: the daughters I never had.” I presumed this was follow up from the conversation we had during lunch where we discussed our many feelings about the success of Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In. She followed this link with the word “vomit.” I clicked on it immediately.

In short, the above op-ed is a piece written by a Princeton alum and the mother of two men who attended/are attending Princeton. The author of this op-ed was recently invited to a “Women and Leadership” conference featuring a conversation between Princeton’s President Shirley Tilghman and professor Anne-Marie Slaughter (author of the Atlantic article “Why Women Still Can’t Have It All” that gave the internet whiplash last summer). This alum attended the conference with her best friend (a woman she met her freshman year at Princeton in 1973) and together these women participated in breakout sessions with current undergrads about women and the workplace.

All of this sounds so promising, doesn’t it?  Well…

To quote the author:” You girls glazed over at preliminary comments about our professional accomplishments and the importance of networking. Then the conversation shifted in tone and interest level when one of you asked how have Kendall and I sustained a friendship for 40 years. You asked if we were ever jealous of each other. You asked about the value of our friendship, about our husbands and children. Clearly, you don’t want any more career advice. At your core, you know that there are other things that you need that nobody is addressing. A lifelong friend is one of them. Finding the right man to marry is another…For most of you, the cornerstone of your future and happiness will be inextricably linked to the man you marry, and you will never again have this concentration of men who are worthy of you. Here’s what nobody is telling you: Find a husband on campus before you graduate. Yes, I went there.”

Enter “vomit.”

Let’s for a minute ignore all the assumptions made throughout this piece which promote ageism, heterosexism, and the various assumptions about class and intelligence. And let’s also ignore the fact that roughly half of marriages end in divorce (which is totally true, I discovered, after looking on the CDC website; a website which also lists the percentage of women in the US who douche. I was not aware anyone was tracking that particular statistic, but apparently, they are. Glad to see that number going down, ladies! Douching is so not good for you.)

But back to the matter at hand.

Aside from making me rage in several different ways, I feel like the author missed the real question. The question that I bet a lot of smart undergrads attending a “Women and Leadership” conference would like the answer to: “At your core, you know that there are other things that you need that nobody is addressing. A lifelong friend is one of them.”

So, here’s my letter. It’s about friends.

“My advice to college age women: it’s all about friendship”

Forget about having it all, or not having it all, leaning in or leaning out — here’s what you really need to know that nobody is telling you.

For years (decades, really) women have been bombarded with the pressure to marry and reproduce. I say, who cares? College is not about that, it’s about finding yourself.

For many, this is your first taste of independence. Learn to rely on yourself and learn to love yourself. Devote your time and energy to the causes and activities you believe in. Colleges have an amazing energy that comes from putting a bunch of young, smart people together and giving them the space to form their own ideas and think about how they’d like to change the world.

There is one piece of advice I can offer and it is this: find a group of women. For most of you, the cornerstone of your future and happiness will be inextricably linked to the wonderful women you will meet in college. Open yourself to meeting as many of them as you can, and sharing your ideas with them, since you may never again have such a great concentration of people who come from different backgrounds. Learn from their experiences and let them change you.

As a freshman, you have four classes of intelligent and experienced women to learn from. Take that opportunity and run with it. Use what they teach you and pass it down to incoming freshman. Do not view women as your competition, but as valuable resources. Be there for them when someone breaks their heart. Let them know you will not leave them so easily. Tell them about your dreams and let them make you feel like you can achieve them. Cry to them and let them turn that crying into laughter. Meet as many women as you can. Learn something from all of them. Do not judge them. Argue kindly. Never let them feel alone. Find one you really like and move in with her and pray that your menstrual cycles sync up so you can enjoy cramping on the couch together, sharing horror stories about that one time your diva cup failed.

It’s ok to leave them when you graduate because you will always have a piece of them with you. Use that. Harness their love as energy and rely on it when you are feeling unsure. Email them often. Meet up with them for drinks and tell them everything they’ve missed in one long breath. Remind them of their incredible worth. Find a new group of women in your workplace. Repeat the above.

If I had daughters, this is what I would be telling them.